letters to my younger self

Of Gigs and Gigs and Of Why My July is Reduced to Four Weekends

Last night I took a peek in my last year’s diary. There I found out that there were so many things that I had written for a week. It was bursting with emotions- stress, angst, drama, bliss, frustrations, learnings- yeah, it was bursting with colors. And I realised why I can’t seem to write my blog for July. It’s like I am living two lives- in the corporate and in the hipster world. I can’t seem to unite the two.
This is the first month that I have a work. After two months of staying at home- finally, I found a work. It actually does not fit all my self-imposed criteria for my next work. It is in Makati for one, whereas I want to work quietly in QC. Second, it is nightshift- so I must say goodbye to having afterwork galas. I thought that having nightshift work would fit me, but up until now I am still adjusting.
The first weeks of my work, I was overwhelmed with separation anxiety or sepanx, for lack of a better term. I was already on the third month after I resigned but since I stayed at home until now, I never really felt that I had left, except when I already started my new work. Everything was new to me- my work area, surroundings, work environment, colleagues, shift- everything! I even missed our elevator and CR. Haha! How emo of me.
I was used to people already knowing my quirks hence I didn’t need to explain to them everything that’s why I found it hard to be myself in a new environment. It’s like I am starting once again. And it’s not like I can easily change myself for them to like me. Haha. Internal struggle because I felt so loved in my previous work that I am wondering if ever that same thing will happen again in my new workplace. I know I should not have high expectations since it was only a month and I have been in my previous work for almost four years but I can’t help it.
Sometimes I wish that I can just bring all my previous colleagues/friends in my new workplace so I can be my quirky adorable self. Haha. But life doesn’t work that way. And I know it. There were just those times when I wish I didn’t leave the island. But I know I cannot go back. I can’t and even if I can, I won’t- because I have crossed the bridge of no return. And all of this- of getting a new job and lifestyle- is all for me and my dreams and my future- so even if I am not particularly at home, I know I must do this. To enable myself to grow and meet new people and learn new things and any other things that I must’ve missed out ever since I landed on a very time-demanding job.
So there. My life was reduced to living two lives- one is at work and the other is my outside work activities. I hope I’ll make them unite one of these days, or I mean soon. It’s only been a month, maybe a lot of things will happen next.
Anyway, my July is filled with reunions and gigs.
Reunions: – on the last day of Joie and Mia and the last day of Bern. So, yeah. Our government employee area in CAS is officially evicted by end of July. It never ceases to delight me whenever I visit CAS – because there is all the wonderful people I love and live with for the past 3.6 years of my life. 😊 They say I must move on and moving on is what I do but I just can’t help it when I miss them, when I thoroughly miss them and I wish I could still go back and the fleeting realisation that I can’t and I had already crossed the bridge of no return and so I collapsed into my inner self thinking that I am doing and had done all those things for my dreams and my growth. And that like what Paulo Coelho says: “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” I am still waiting for that new hello. And yes, I am hoping for it. Because CAS is amazing and I hope to set foot on another grander thing. This is my final goodbye after all the goodbyes I had uttered – because how can you say goodbye to such a beautiful thing? I will probably miss them, and yes, I am still missing them everyday but I will move on and continue to a path less travelled. I know we’ll both grow and all I hope for is that our paths will cross in the future. I guess, this is where a phase of my life ends- endings should not always be sad, it should be full of hope. 😊
Movies: – of why I woke up on the noon of Saturday to make a spur-of-the-moment decision to watch The Breakup Playlist. Because I miss my ate and I thought we should catch up since I already started my nightshift work and we can’t even see each other at home. Because it’s Saturday and I am not pressured and tired from work and I have time- a lot of time to do everything. Because that movie is about music and music is where I live. Because, out of all these things the main reason why I want to watch is because my favorite local bands might have a cameo there. The movie was better than other local movies I had seen. But maybe- its taste must still be too early for the masses to be powerful enough to be mainstream. And the movie didn’t disappoint. We saw scenes with Yael Yuzon, Ebe Dancel, Gabby Alipe and of course, Pochoy Labog- because he is leaving for US and I don’t know when I’ll be able to see him again. Old times – to just go to the mall and hang out but not splurge on something. Haha. 😊 Old times, because the movie includes scenes where I only dreamed of- of one day just meeting your fave artists. Haha. 😊 And how can I forget- the paper towns movie date with two of my closest friends and first friends at PwC- trio, I might call ourselves. Nothing beats eating at a fastfood restaurant and just talking with your friends and laugh and everything goes on spontaneously and watching a movie that reminds you of the roadtrip you had in the past years and of wishing another one would come next. As Margo had reminded me: “Remember how you felt for tonight, that must be what you should feel for the rest of your life.” And it is still stuck in my mechanism until now.
And the gigs: – at 12 Monkeys where we watched Typecast, Mayonnaise, Kjwan and of course, Urbandub. Typecast is still fascinating and animated as usual. I will never get tired of listening to them even if they were still so emo. They were my guilty pleasures. Haha. I still can’t forget their version of Hands Down- probably the best love song for me as of this time. And their cover of Moonstar 88’s Migraine will take your breath away. If you think that that song can’t get any more emo, you’re wrong! Because Typecast turns it around and makes it screamo! And it is very beautiful- for lack of a better term. 😃 This might be the first time I saw Mayonnaise but I really like their song Bakit Pt. 2 and liked it even more when I watched the live version. I can still hear the lyrics reverberating in my ears. Kjwan is very exciting to watch. Their music, and Marc Abaya sings with so much enthusiasm you can’t help but feel all of their songs even those you don’t know. All of them really, is so drawn into the music that they create that you can’t help but be drawn into it also. My favorite song is still, Pause, especially now that I had watched the live version. I don’t know what’s with all the live version but when I hear them live, I appreciate the song more. It’s like seeing pictures moving. And the last one was Urbandub in all its glory. They still performed a lot of the songs I don’t know but I enjoyed it, enjoyed it more so when I hear familiar songs. Especially when their last song was their first song that I listened to- Alert the Armory. Paradox. And I love paradoxes. And to top off my July was Dicta License’s sendoff gig for Pochoy who is leaving to study abroad. I have blogged about this earlier but it was one of the highlights of my July. Because I didn’t really thought that I will see him and speak to him and all the surprise is still making me happy until now. Because I don’t know about others but when I see someone as amazing as him in real life- it’s like feeling that it can still snow in the Philippines- that hope that makes you shine everyday, that kind of brightness that no cloud can ever dim. That was what I felt when I saw him- because he wrote the song that will forever be etched into my heart to follow my dreams- when you see someone who inspires you and he’s just standing a few feet from you, you feel an eternal bliss. That feeling, I just hope it never goes away. Maybe because it is one of the first time that I truly see one of my heroes. Don’t be confused- I still have a lot of heroes who inspires me and I still hope to meet all of them. It’s just that THIS first time is amazingly and wonderfully fascinating and I still can’t get it out if my system. And this is also where I realised what I have been missing on for the past 10 years of my life. The music of Dicta License. Before I just tried to tiptoe in their music, but I just felt a total waste of why I hadn’t plunge headfirst and not care about anything anymore. It’s like when I discover Chicosci already in their fourth album and I am scrambling on how I’ve wasted so many years not knowing them. That’s what I felt when I saw Dicta License play live. Something sparks inside of you. And then you’re never the same person again. Because Dicta License is simply amazing. They wrote about things that matter to all of us but never really thought about and their music is something that I heard from no other. So, yeah, in Dicta License’s next gig- whenever that will be- I will be able to sing along to all of their songs.
There. My July is reduced to gigs and movies but it is the life that I now live. Thankful for the new discoveries and hopeful for what tomorrow may bring. If I can’t embrace it then I should probably make something out of the box – because no one will be able to take me to my dreams than myself.

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