If I look back I am lost.
I never got used to the idea of not writing. I guess – whenever I start on not writing because things seems to happen nonstop and I haven’t found the time to write, my mind became so much cluttered that I cannot focus 100% on my daily work and I can’t put my mind entirely on something because there are unwritten thoughts in my head waiting to be released. Yeah – blame it on me having a daily devotional journal since 2006. It’s ten years ago and I am fine with it. Whenever I didn’t get to write, I became irritable, and it feels like any minute my mind will burst. Haha. It’s like having an untidy house and disarranged/unorganized things – I have to keep my thoughts in place so that my mind can breathe freely and I will be able to let new thoughts in, or memories, or just subtle random ideas.
I turned a year older hence the birthday post. Nearing the end of June, I guess I cannot contain anymore the thoughts that always keep me awake in midnight – or whenever I am stuck in traffic. I was never a fan of celebrating birthdays – this can be because when I was younger – June was the moneyless month where all of our funds go to the start of classes – tuition fee comes first before cakes. Haha. But no, I wasn’t not deprived. I still have got to see if there is anyone out there dare to surprise me on my birthday, because I really like surprises but never got to receive one because I am really good at imagining things and I guess people around me is not bought on the idea of surprises.
But now, as an adult – whenever my birthday comes – it’s sort of like a progress check on my goals for the year – like a status update since it comes in the middle of the year and as much as I hate to admit it – I am older that what I think I am.
So what did I do? Well, for the first time in my life – I’ve been away on my birthday – I was on a Singapore-Malaysia trip with a couple of my friends and it was in Malaysia where I spent my birthday. I guess, it might be my way of not being in the limelight if I spend my birthday at the office. Haha. I really do not fancy spending birthdays at work no matter how much I love my workmates and no matter how unalone you feel because they were there to make you happy.
But actually – going away on your birthday is humbling. I mean – I didn’t feel self-entitled, on the contrary it felt like any ordinary day except that I am on a foreign island with no connection (no wi-fi) haha so yeah, no greetings until about 9pm in the evening. I didn’t even get a surprise – but yeah I guess I did – when we were at the Resorts World Hotel and the friend of my friend brought an ice cream cake – that’s the only time I realise that it was indeed my birthday. Haha. 🙂 I guess as you get older, you tend to celebrate your birthday less which is contrary to what I did where I booked an overseas trip. I am really a walking paradox.
So yeah, looking back it is a little over a year since I left PwC. A lot of my posts have PwC in them – I don’t know about you but the 3 and 2/3 years I spent in there felt like 5 years because of all the time I have spent in the office, in work, in the people I see everyday. It’s like when I left, I graduated and I have nowhere to go but I was forced to move on but sometimes the happy times haunt you like so sudden and I wonder what have I done with my life? I guess moving on from PwC is a never-ending work-in-progress. I will never move on because it was a part of my life. I just have got to come to terms with it. I mean if I am another person I would really like to say to myself: “Why are you whining like you were left all alone? Wasn’t it you who decided to end it? Wasn’t it you who left out of your own accord?” So yeah, what am I really whining about? It was the best. It was still my first love when it comes to work. It was. But I guess a lot of people have moved on. And it is only me that I am in the new chapter of my life but sometimes I can’t help to turn a few pages of my life back. It is my disease.
And yeah, I am looking into one year anniversary in Shell. Haha. Can you believe it? I really was able to endure the nightshift! But not really nightshift – it is only on 6pm to 3am. With all the new people, environment, workshift, culture and whatnots – I can’t believe I am still here like when I look back last year I can’t help but find all these complaints in my new work. I guess people really makes work worthwhile.
And yes, I am not exactly where I planned to be. But I still am happy.
I get to meet all these new wonderful people in my life. I get to retain my awesome friends in Isla and I discovered who will stay even when we’re not seeing each other on a day-to-day basis.
On love: I said last year that I was ready. But no, I guess I was bluffing then. I think I will never be ready. (If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives!) Some ask, why I don’t entertain. It’s not that I don’t entertain. It’s that I don’t know how. Haha. In all these years of studying – I have never come across something as how to do that. Haha. I know. I might just end up an old lady if this goes on. But I don’t know. I guess you have to be pretty stubborn to get past the bubble that I made up of myself. You have to be really really patient. Because I don’t know how. And I will never understand subtle hints – I am way too afraid of assuming. I’m too naive too cynical and too hopeless romantic. And I am not a damsel in distress. I still have a head full of dreams and I don’t know if I can both do this and pursue my dreams at the same time. I don’t know if I can get distracted. But I know I am not getting younger but really when did I start thinking about these things? It is so not me. 2016 came and with it comes this. Ha! Well time to bury these again at the back of my mind. My problem I guess is that I can’t decide on my own. I am scared. Way too scared to know what I want. Because I had never done this before. And sometimes, I’m scared of what I want.
Do I put my arm around you like this? Do we spend every night together? Do we move in after two years? What are the rules? You have to teach me. I’m a spring chicken. When everyone else was getting into relationships and learning how to be a great partner, I was working or laying in bed or running away from the possibility of meeting someone because I was scared, because I wouldn’t sacrifice anything, because the concept of sharing my day-to-day life with someone else left me trembling, even though it’s what I wanted. ― Ryan O’Connell
And so I will still wait. Because I believe in God. I believe that even if I became impatient – it won’t come. I know when it’s truly time it will happen. Not in the way I imagined it to be, but in God’s way. But for now, I have got to do my purpose, and hopefully won’t get sidetracked with all the distractions left and right. Because who am I fooling – I was every week distracted with what might or might not happen. I am in constant turmoil because I don’t know what to do or what you’ll do or not do. Call me crazy I think I am. Sometimes, I think it’s a punishment having this kind of mind where I can think of other things and still think about that. Darn the darnest of things.
Which brings me to – I am going to study Digital Illustration. Yes, I might be a year late. I should have pursued this last year but better late than never. I am nervous and pretty scared and pretty excited at the same time. But move on world, I have a lot of studying to do planned for this year. I can’t wait to make something of myself. Someone I can be proud of. Someone Papa can be proud of. Someone God will be proud of that He gave me this life.
Because I know and this applies to me: “I asked for all things that I might enjoy life, I was given life that I might enjoy things.”
And I cannot wait to give back. All the passion that I see in this life, I cannot wait to give it back. Still my dream is to put my all into something that might succeed or might fail. But creating something that you’re unsure of – it gives me the high that I am doing something. I want to use all of my talents and never will I say to God that I did not use all of those He gave me. It feels like I will need a lifetime to do all these things. Haha.
Again, life must be spent doing something that makes you come alive. Kudos!
P.S. I know adulting is hard. I don’t even have the faintest idea how to do it. But I guess, it’s still a lot like a child. You do things the best way you can. You learn to laugh at your mistakes. You change and try again. Never ending cycle to a better me.