I just want you to know that there are days like this one – when my day is filled up with so much laughter – all of a sudden, I miss you more than average days – heck, I’ve been missing you everyday since November 8th 2008 – and yet there are days like today when all I want to do is to go over where you are and start chatting with you or hold your arms or embrace you or eat with you or just sit silently side by side.
This feeling seems to be so great that even my conscious self believes that I can really go to where you are and see you, like it would really happen and all my hopes will be flying and how it would all deflate when I realised that no, it’s never going to happen – darn, even my mind forgets sometimes that you are no longer here.
Darn. I really miss you you know? I just miss talking to you or eating what you cooked or even when you get angry at me when I’m so lazy in doing household chores or when I get home really late or when you would joke that I didn’t go to school when I come home really early – or just riding at the back of your motorcycle or sitting beside you while you drive and you had all sorts of stories ranging from history to general facts to nonsense.
I miss you. And I feel like everyday – (like what Mitch Albom said in his book For One More Day) – instead of having a companion when you have a father or a mother – it feels like I am going into a battle alone. And I really hate that. Because I was still so used to have you by our side.
People will think that it’s been so many years – surely I had gotten used to it. Well yes, technically I would get used to it, it’s only normal – but in the bottom of my heart, in the pit of my stomach – I could NEVER get used to it – I am still so used to you being here, still – watching over your little girls – darn I’ll always be a papa’s girl. Yeah, whatever.
But we all do move on. Me. It’s just that there are days when it’s harder to bear like average days and I have to cry it out like this – which usually happens after I became very happy without any reason like I have this internal balancing wheel that all my joys and sorrow should be equal or similar to that and if not – I get days like this and I just have to let it all out.
And then after that – I’ll be ready to take on another day as if nothing’s happened, as if I never had this kind of day to start with. Like I always have got to come to terms with this situation that I’m never going back and it’s never going to happen and I’ll accept it in order to move forward.
I just wish that you know, though.