Twelve Midnight Thoughts

Today, out-of-the-blue, my little sister asked me if she should start reading the Bible. I was surprised but it didn’t show on my face. I was surprised because she was asking me, of all people. She bemuses that maybe she should start on threading the path to God – she feels like she’s sinning everyday and she’s not doing anything about it. She’s lost. I guess.

But why me, all of a sudden? I guess, my sister still thinks of me as one close to God. The one who reads the Bible day and night, who reflects on it – who writes about it in her journal, or someone who still goes to Sunday Service to hear the Word, cell group, etc.

But I am not. Anymore.

“You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?”

Before, those were my foundations. The rock on which I stand day by day to overcome all the trivialities of life. The home I can always come to whenever life gets a bit too tough. Or tiring. Or just plain stupid.

I would love to still be that girl. I really would.

I know earlier, someone (someone I was not close to) asked me – what happened. And I couldn’t answer right away. I don’t have the words to the answer. I was lost. And still am. And the very unworthy answer is that “work happened”. I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed not because if people would see me now. No – I was ashamed to look at my younger self.

If the old me would see the current me – what would she do? If the old me would see the me now – I guess she’ll say: “ I’m going to eat my words in the future.” Typical me.

But you know what – I would not want to go back though, even if I could. I could correct the mistakes that I’m going to make – but at the expense of what? of not learning? I guess, I’ll still make those mistakes and keep the learnings – after all, my life is an amalgam of all the things I’ve experienced, people I’ve talked to, stories I’ve known, music I’ve listened to and places I’ve been and more importantly, the mistakes I’ve carelessly made. My life would not be what it was now – if I refused to learn and just want to be on the good path.

I guess – I’m taking this detour more seriously rather than just a stopover. I know I must go somewhere but I am still a lost sheep waiting to be found. I know I don’t need those what I call “defining moment” but I still wait for it, at times. Because I can always go back if I choose to but then that way I can also not go back.

And maybe what I want is that “defining moment” even if I don’t believe it. And maybe what I want isn’t right. I keep waiting for this something when actually small things piled up will be that “defining moment” and it will come naturally.

I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.

It’s just that all this spiritual talk. It’s all coming back, the preachings, everything that I ever did since college and the start of my journey of my chosen profession. And how I fade away.

It’s just still the same with Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith (a very wonderful book – that my friend still didn’t return to me) – with how I drifted away and I guess I want that – how Mitch has found his journey back to God. Not in those “defining moment” ways but a path – the very same path that he threads on everyday but this time – leading to God, unknowingly, he found his place back to Him.

And, darn, I want that.

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