letters to my younger self

It was an Ordinary Day but then It wasn’t

We’re finally at home. Someone drove our car for us. I don’t know why. Actually my mother asked someone to drive our car for us (because we cannot drive) and asks him if he could drive for the rest of the year. Figures.

And then he left. And then I blurt out the question I’ve been keeping inside all this time. Why can’t Papa drive for us? And then the wonder. Why isn’t Papa here? Why isn’t he here anymore? I racked my brain to remember the last time he was here with us. I can’t. Hesistating, they answered, “He left.”

It couldn’t. It can’t happen. My father couldn’t have left us for any reason. And then it clicked. Papa cannot leave us not unless. Not unless. And I couldn’t bear the answer.

I woke up.

Not unless he died.

It was the only plausible reason. He couldn’t have left us. Not unless he died.

I woke up from my dreams. From the only place my father is still alive. I have kept him alive in there for whatever reason and now reality seeps in into that universe. Because for once- the reality makes more sense. In my dreams, he left us. In reality, he can’t be with us because he already died. It was when the truth makes more sense than my dream. It was when the truth is more acceptable than the dream.

“Because death is the only thing that could have kept him from you. ”

Happy Halloween Folks.

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