letters to the future

I had to know if this was the beginning of the end of my memories

Pardon the long title. (But I promise it makes sense in the end, or not)

November 9, 2017 – 3:50AM

I was really happy today (November 8th). Why? We had just finished hosting the Quarterly Baranggay Meeting (our team MF3 combined with another team MF2). It was not very-well planned but I had this same feeling like when our team hosted the FTL earlier this year. I don’t know, it’s just that, it really amazes me – how all of our collaborative effort in the planning, designs, props, food, program, hosting mixes very well and resulted into this brilliant outcome – like we don’t know at first if it will work but then very thankful that it did and it was kinda awesome, I guess. Like we just pushed it and see how it goes and it was a surprise that it did work (with minor complications like technical issues and delayed food delivery).
But nevertheless it was good and it was satisfying. 🙂

I enjoyed it actually even if we’re very tired and we don’t have a lot of time – especially when we’re creating the design and backdrop – it was so fun to work together with the people that you don’t normally work with. And you discover their hidden talents, humours, and OCness. The fun part is really, like you know you’re all doing the props but it’s like we’re only playing. I enjoyed it tremendously. Haha. What a word. But really – I enjoyed it even if it was tiring.

Like our motto is “Go big or go home!”. We did everything we thought as awesome.

Also, the fun part is when people appreciate the hard work. No, scratch that. When all of us appreciate each other. I mean, inside of the team, it’s really fun to discover what a group can do when they were mixed together.

Another good-somewhat-good part still is the thing that you don’t know if it’s going to be successful or not but we still trod on with all the best we’ve got thinking that it will be either a hit or miss and attacked and hoped it will be a hit.

Haha. Fan of surprises here!

And also – two weekends to Osaka – I’m now excited and nervous and  happy and excited and scared a little bit and grateful and very thankful. Did I mention excited twice?

And also Paramore in Manila is announced today.

Too many happy moments today.

And then I realised it’s November 9, 2017 after.

Going back nine years ago is the death of my father. And it was in these times when I’m happy that I wonder if this was going to be the beginning of the end of my memories. Sure, things would’ve been very different if my life back then had not taken a sudden turn but I wouldn’t know what could’ve happened differently, wouldn’t I?

Somehow I realised, should I be sad? Or happy? Or sad that I am happy? Or happy that I am sad?

I don’t know – sometimes it’s easier to forget but then when I finally remember I would be guilty that I didn’t remember anymore.

So there. People light up the candles and offer food when they do memorial service (death anniversary).

But for me – instead of doing those – I write a blog post. Not every year, but I realised I do this (for a lot of years) to remember. Because he is a person that I really miss every now and then. Or forever.

But for now I guess I’ll just be content that I have all these things that I am happy about.

You see – I would have taken for granted all these beautiful things (considering the younger me) if I didn’t experience that kind of sadness that swallows you up from the inside.

So yeah, Papa, I still miss you even if it’s been so many years now. I grew up and encountered so many disappointments in life. Highs and lows. I learned a lot about life, people, and myself apparently. I no longer possess the super-idealistic self I was when I graduated but here’s to learning how to be in between realist and idealist. Or maybe I’ll try being a surrealist? Or what am I talking about?

It’s just that it is so unfair that I never had the chance to buy you your own chuck taylors – or the one where we can have matching chuck taylors – darn this stupid dream that I will never be able to achieve.

But yeah – I’ll still enjoy this life. Because knowing those kind of sadness makes me more appreciative of the kind of life I am leading. And I knew and I remember that this is what I learned in your life:

(1) That you (at least) made the most of what life has given you. You made it wonderful even when (I knew, sort of) you wished to be a lawyer and life made you a photographer (and life is surprising at that!). You always make things enjoyable or fun – you always see the happiness in things that are so so simple.

(2) That you have helped so many people or that you shared your life with many people. Because help is not something that you can withhold from others. You gave it always away as if keeping it in will poison you. You can never say no. I always wondered why?

I am still learning to share my life with people I barely knew. It was hard because I was always so used to only share my life with a few people I am at ease. But little did I know that this small group of people I’ve wanted in my life are becoming more and I didn’t realise but I see it was somewhat happier also. Life is surprising at that. Like it slowly crept on me and boom – I have a lot of people than what I hoped initially.

So there. I will probably be over the moon in the coming days.

Still two weeks of hurdle. But this will be the most enjoyable hurdle that I am going to overcome. Because after this will be the granting of that all-elusive japan tour that I so very desired since I stumbled in the library when I was young.

So yeah – I kinda wished you were here to share the happiness. But for now – I’ll enjoy with every bit of happiness I can find.

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