letters to my younger self

Toe in Water versus Dive Head First

So – I was supposed to title this post as the birthday post that never grows old but knowing me – always coming up with a title at the last minute.

This, I guess, will always be one of the questions in my life that I will always ponder on and not have an exact answer. My life has always been a battle between this two opposing sides.

But before that let  me just get this out of my system:

Well, I can’t exactly remember the time I did my first birthday post but what I do remember is my birthday for the last 10 years (yeah, I’m a sucker for dates and whatnots), let me list it down:

27- Puerto Galera + Calapan + Gloria
26- SG + MY
25- Baguio all the way a.k.a. freedom from firm trip also welcome to quarter life trip
24- Ace Hotel + Water Spa
23- Seoul Garden
22- Alumni Homecoming + Yakimix
21- CPA blowout @ home
20- The Lakad-sa-Baha from SM Manila to Quiapo (oddest but one of the best)
19- Saddest-Birthday-Ever
18- First day of Classes
17- Saddest, scratch that, made possible by Papa (Tropical Hut)

Yeah, I’ve said it before, most people are afraid to be forgotten but I am afraid to forget – so I list it all down. (in my mind) For this year – it was in Bohol. Can you see the pattern? At first, birthdays were only done by eating out, and then somehow it turned into out of town trips. Turns out before all we wanted was to eat but now I wanted to always go away.

***

Last night, I went to Angulo’s 10th year Anniversary of their album Blur the White Lines. This was my first time to watch them live. I know – but I liked them and religiously listened to their song The Best Mistake in NU107’s Stairway to Seven and to their CD but they disappeared before I even had a chance to see them. Sucks isn’t it? But I was still a student before and parents used to not allow their kids to go to a rock concert/gig right? I so envy the children these days. 🙂 If I am ever going to be a parent I would definitely be so involved in what my child is listening to. Haha. Not that I would impose but music is such a beautiful world – better to be explored with someone.

So going back, I just want to give it to Angulo – they were so prepared they showed interviews about what happened and then some clips and pictures from way, way back when they were starting it out and eventually made it into the scene and then as to how they disappeared. It was cool. I kinda wished I can also do that with my life but I guess I’m only looking at myself to be the one that’s interested. Haha. People are so much underratedly self-centered.

Here goes: I realised that I have been a passive participant in my own life. I thought about this in the middle of a gig.

I guess it’s because I am formulated to think about so many repercussions of what’s going to happen with my actions that before I knew it, I have never done something without thinking. But you know what, it’s better to do something stupid now and learning from it rather than not doing anything and not learning anything and in the future we regret not doing this or that or whatnots.

I have been passive all my life, carefree and you know I’ve said it before in my 25th birthday realisations but still old habits die hard.

So I guess for now, I’ll just do whatever makes me happy – whatever that is – and to hell with the consequences. I’m just so tired of regretting not doing anything and my road to self-discovery is still long and wide and winding and dear Lord, wherever you’ll take me – please, I don’t know what I want.

All I know is that I am looking for a place that I know if I’m there I will know that this is where I’m supposed to be – all my life I’ve been searching and now I found it –  I hope for that “now”.

Also this:

Life must be spent doing something that makes you come alive.

And this:

I’m just going to do it. Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. … You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present

I long to put every fibre of my being into something that will ultimately save me from this monotonous life that I am living.

But what is that something?

I will know. After this endless search and after I’ve tried everything I want.

Soon. I will know that something.

And if I did – I will live to tell the tale.

I just hope it will come soon.

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