letters to my younger self

We Made It – Though, It Was Actually Kind of Bittersweet

If I ask you if you can remember what you were doing this exact same day ten years ago, would you remember it? Would you remember how you woke up and how that day ended? Who are the people who annoyed you that day?

There are some days which you can’t have  a memory of. Truth is, this day should have been one of those days. It was supposed to be just one of those passing by days and it shouldn’t have to have a significant happening – but it did – and it did so in the most unfortunate circumstance.

I remember my father’s burial. It was sad but not the 200% sad, for the most part – it was painfully generic. Which is sad in and of itself but does not qualify to the rip-your-heart-out kind of sad. It was just sad. Plain. And forgettable. It was plain sad and forgettable (but I didn’t really forgot about it). I was in the state of masquerading acceptance and in the state of denial I didn’t even realise.

How did I know? Well, a week after the burial, we went back to the cemetery and there – I wanted it all back. I’ve gone through a week filled with normal things: going to school, etc, etc, except it was all done without him and I didn’t like it. Heck, I didn’t want it- I hated it! And there in the one-week-old buried mound of earth – I wished it all back. I knew, I just knew that for the past two weeks I’ve been faking acceptance and it was a heart-wrenching, knees-weakening, world-falling-apart kind of realisation. I wanted my father back when I knew I cannot turn it all back.

It was just a week and I feel my whole world tumbling down and looking back – who knew? It was ten years and I am still here, tears-falling-on-my-face as I write this but we’re still here. And hey – we survived. I didn’t know how to go through my life that time but hey – we survived. I mean that figuratively but hey – we made it, though. I want to pat myself on the back, I want to hug myself from ten years ago and say to that little girl: you will make it though, you will, even if you didn’t know yet. And it was kind of amazing how you can still think and create wonderful things even when a part of yourself is dying inside. It was amazing. And it was an achievement I didn’t want other people to make. It was a sort-of bittersweet kind of thing and I would hate for other people to experience it but well, maybe they can, because they “don’t-feel-too-much” like me. (453 words and I’m in a bucket of tears)

***

Okay. I wrote this last November 7 but I never got to post it and I can’t remember why. And I can’t seem to post anything (blog entries are piling up in my mind) because I have to overcome this – I need to be at peace with this post first before I post anything so yep – here is my futile attempt to make a peace with this post and so making a peace with my past that I still wish wouldn’t have to happen.

And yeah, what I just wanted to say is – ten years ago – what happened was unfortunate. And I could go on and on about how we can control our reaction to it, what are we gonna do but the truth is – I still don’t get it.

Sure, I learned a lot – heck, I learned how to be independent, I memorised places everywhere I go, I developed a sense of direction out of need because that’s what he was – he knew all the places and without him I’d get lost so I developed my own sense of direction out of need out of loss because he will never be here anymore to get me from one place to another to pick me up when it gets so late it is past midnight and our neighbour’s crazy dog is barking at me and God knows how I am terrified of dog’s barks and he will never be here to share history facts or corny jokes or whatever but darn those ten years really do flew away – I learned a lot – I learned how to be independent – I learned and relearned things he taught me like how to use screwdrivers and whatelse I don’t remember anymore because memories are slipping away. (And maybe I learned how not to depend to a man because I don’t have anymore, which is kind of screwed right?)

I learned a lot and I also hurt a lot and it’s a balance right? I guess. Because I still don’t get it. And I guess that will be okay. And alright. And darn. Sometimes you don’t need all the questions to get answered.

And we’re fine. We’re doing good. The past ten years is great. I get to do some things I want and do not want. It would have been more amazing if he was here but I won’t be a hypocrite to wish for something that will never happen and then get sad when it didn’t.

You don’t get all your wishes come true. But the ones who do – makes up for those that didn’t come true. They do. Believe me.

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