letters to my younger self

happenstance – hits and misses

And even louder: without your past, you could never have arrived — so wondrously and brutally, by design or some violent exquisite happenstance… here.

-Taylor Swift (Reputation tour)

I was inspired. I was in awe and I was freed. After watching the Reputation tour on Netflix, it gave me the peace I needed and didn’t even know I need. It told me to just shake everything off and that I can let go – of the past without hating the past – and to move on and here is a clean slate.

Looking back on the past year – it was a list of highs and lows and never had I seen a year more fluctuating than 2018 and at first I thought maybe I’ll list down all the hits and misses and see which list is more but who am I kidding I barely have enough time to cover all the things I did in South Korea – how can I manage to comb my way through 2018 and list all the possible pluses and minuses in it?

Sorry – I will not be making a list.

I will just put here what happened. Yes 2018 paled tremendously in comparison to 2017 – because it was not a travel year, (but the first time snow was really – magical!) and it is my fault.

Partly because I focused more on what’s missing – what I don’t have instead of what I actually have. And maybe a lot of times I get in argument with friends and siblings and it was just so negative.

But it is also this year that I realised what I really want OR what I really don’t want. And that created the huge problem for me (see above) because what I really don’t want is where I am standing on and I couldn’t help not standing where I am – and that frustrates me.

I’ve thought of a lot of escape plan but there never was enough time or resources or my gut is just not strong enough.

And so I settled. I settled in this mediocre life for a year and I hated it and it almost hated me back – what with all the unfortunate things that happened at work – I’m still blessed people still wave to me when they see me because I feel like I am exuding negative energy whenever I went and somehow sometimes I get paranoid that the few friends I do have at work will start to realise how miserable and insufferable I am that they might choose others who were less darker and less twisty than me. And even then I sleep at night thinking that this mediocrity is killing me and I might not wake up and not have enough time to fulfill my dreams.

And also it is because a lot of people failed me. They failed me in ways that I never thought – it’s just so hard to believe in people – believe in their best and somehow they were never really that and that I am just not a good judge of a character and I hate it because it feels like I’ve been played.

Maybe it is time to move on. It really is and I am moving but not before I document this past because people who don’t know the history is in the risk of repeating. And I would hate to repeat this again.

Somehow all of those things piled up, the things I didn’t want realisation, the fake people, me being fake happy and me feeling fake happy and me just doing the bare minimum. Guys, for people like me – do they know how much it hurts to do just the bare minimum to not mess up in work? – people like me like to put passion in work to put everything in order for it to work and me not doing it makes me kind of a mean opportunistic thing and I hate to be that.

Sure enough it is easier to be the mean cruel one instead of just taking every negative thing. I guess I learned to fight back and to pick up myself because no one is gonna pick yourself up if not you – no we don’t need saving.

“You don’t need to save me
But would you run away with me?”

 And I hate that I’ve become this cruel and mean one because of the circumstances and they made me like this because they are, too – because I am a mirror of sorts and I only reflect what those people are – at least I’d like to believe that I am otherwise I just really only became mean.

So yep – I guess it’s time to move on. We’re moving on and don’t let the muggles let you down. 😉

What made me stay before is the growth and people but I don’t have both of that now so I guess this is it?

Who thought bidding 2018 would cause a tear in my eye – don’t blame me – I thought it would be the easiest thing to do – I even want to just sleep of the new year – that’s how 2018 is super uninteresting for me but I cannot discount those euphoric moments – that made me think – it this possible? The thing I am desiring. Maybe. Maybe not.

But I will never know until I try. And that letting go of the past is making peace with it. Like what I am doing. So yeah 2018 is was never better while it lasted but thanks for getting to know you and getting to know what’s hard and that you will always be a part of me. I guess.

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