letters to the future

i’m tired of my own sh*t

Well hello. A few weeks ago I turned a year older.

Just like that, my age is now closer to 30 than it is to 25. But did my maturity also levelled up?

“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”

Last Sunday – I read this in  my phone on the ride home that I never had something resonated with me than this exact thing.

I guess I was just that. I created my own mess that I am now surrounded with. I hated some people in my life that I never held back in making them feel that I don’t like them. But that’s because I can’t feel their sincerity. When I felt that something is wrong, I always retaliated. I was – in more ways than one – bored of my own life that I started on feeding on this negative thing that will one day made me decide that I was better off without. I started to deepen this shallow thinking and little did I know that I was choosing to fight a battle I cannot win.

And that’s when I realised I’m tired of that kind of shit.

So I’m setting myself free from that. And I’ve never been more free.

I think I was just setting myself up for destruction when I trusted other people more than myself. I hoped the best from them and unconsciously put them in a pedestal when they were merely humans. And so I was disappointed. And I still hoped. And again I was disappointed. It was a series of hoping and disappointments that I got into this deep shit. But in all of this I realised: I can only hope the best but not expect it. I cannot trust people to be perfect – but I can trust them to be humans and humans make mistakes, will always fall short but that’s exactly what makes people so much interesting.

You’ll never know when they’ll exceed expectations or when they will disappoint.

Never trust your fears, they don’t know your strength.

And that I believe in myself.

I got into this mess because I didn’t exactly believe in myself that I can create the kind of life I wanted by still doing the same things. I felt like a door was closing in on me and I have to get out of there because I don’t know when will another door come again.

But you see – it was always in me. I don’t have to search for the kind of life I wanted because it was in me. I can always make it – the kind of life that I wanted to live.

God already equipped us with so much things we need – it is up to us how we use it. We may not use it immediately but everything will come in handy – as time goes by.

So yes, I am tired of my own bullshit that I am choosing to acknowledge that I made so many mistakes but that also from here on in – I can choose to be tied by it or I can choose to get rid of it and be free.

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