letters to my younger self

the thing people like about you is the very same thing that they don’t like you for

I’m not referring to the same people but after working for about less than eight years of my life – I thought I had every people figured out. I guess not.

I’ve heard it before. But I thought I was no longer that.

Back in my first job – resigned people who come visit us – tells me that they miss me and that they can’t meet anyone outside that is like me OR that I am one-of-a-kind. I thought they were just the usual jokes but when I was the one resigning – I heard the same thing from the people who I’m leaving. And I took it as a compliment. They don’t want me to leave because there’s no other person like me. I know I’m not one-of-a-kind but I guess people like me are so rare that we were so hard to find. And I mean this in a non-professional way but in a personality type of way.

And then years passed and I changed. As you’d expect from people who were willing to change. I thought I was more – like people – normal – ordinary – doing things the same way as people do. Why? Because I finally understand people, I finally understand why they act the way they do or why they do things that I don’t understand before or that I also act like them.

I thought I was no longer different.

But then I heard it again. This time – as if it was a disease people don’t want to be contacted with. Word was it that I think differently and that people can’t understand me and they’re at a loss as to how to treat my thinking differently from them.

I get it. I get that people know I think differently from them.

But then again afterwards it made me feel like my thinking differently was not accepted – as if it was my fault that they cannot understand my thinking differently from them. And that I brought it upon myself why they were acting like that way to me – because I somehow think differently – from them.

Words you can only hear in the ancient times – you can now hear – in corporate.

And it sucks.

In ancient times – people who were different – were dubbed as “he/she lived too early of his/her time.” Because people in their time don’t understand them – and people in the future might have accepted their thinking more.

I am not that great to be called that – but I guess it was in my deepest hopes to be someone people can say to: she lived to early of her time.

But darn – it was hard – having no one who understands you. But above all – having people who you trust to reveal who you are unaccepting of that exact thing.

It was what hurt me the most. It took me so many years to love my own unique, rare, one-of-a-kind self. When I was young I always doubted myself – why am I not the same as other people (but each of us were different) and it took me to my first job to finally love my own self – because they loved me and accepted me for what I am. They found it somehow amusing that they cannot know any other person like me – and that my little gestures amuses them and I don’t understand why – I am always with myself so for me that’s normal.

It took me years to build this character that I love and it only took a moment for some people to put it as unacceptable – from an organisation that promotes inclusivity – what a way to save the day.

But then again – someone who barely knows me would tell the exact same thing. That there was no other like me. In positive note.

And somehow I was fine.

It doesn’t matter.

People who can’t accept my ineffable thinking can stay the hell out of my life.

I’d be happier for it. ❤

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