How did I start?
Well I had this one friend who loves to do yoga and I think I kind of wanted to be like her – because it felt like ever since she started to do yoga – peace of mind had been evident in her aura. 😉
So – in comes the first holiday (Monday) of August and I just decided to plunge into it – together with another friend. It was an hour worth of Vinyasa Flow and I never knew I could sweat so much. But of course we had to eat after and then we went to Frnk Milk Bar and chatted away because there is no work today. And then afterwards I watched Yesterday on my own.
And then that same week, by Saturday, we still had an hour worth of yoga and it was soo nice. By Sunday I just did it on my own at home with the help of Youtube videos and my little sister’s yoga mat.
But then here comes the next week and I woke up feeling like hell because I was sick. Maybe my body was not used yet and I had to take a break for a week.
And then this last week of August I just had to do it. So yes! I did a 30-minute worth of yoga flow every morning of every day last week and it felt kinda good. 😉
It worked a lot for me because I don’t know how but it cleanses my thoughts everyday. You know, before, I always cleanse my thoughts by writing – but now – I cannot write anymore. I can’t put into words whatever I am thinking and feeling because it is just too much. Too drama. Too hurtful. Too toxic.
And I know in the future I’ll look back on this period and remember how much I was hurt with everything that’s happening or how much I regret some of the choices I made or how I would cringe because somehow I still acted immature – that’s why I can’t even write. That, or somehow I just lost my will to write. Why would I even let unworthy people take space in my journal? – Because for sure, I know I’ll be writing about how I was so hurt by them all. And somehow I don’t want to do that anymore.
So this – this yoga helps me cleanse my mind without having to actually let it all out by writing and in this way – I am taking care of my mental health and physical health. Win-win right?
I know I am still in that struggling phase – who am I kidding, I am still in this shithole that I can’t get out of but at least I knew who are my kind of people – the ones I can count on, the ones who didn’t leave even if I was wrong, but was there to point out why. I am still in the dark but I know, eventually, I’ll get there – I’m on the road to recovery. I cannot fast forward to that because that would make my learning worthless – I had to learn, and if I need to shed more then I would but I hope I still do not lose my idealistic self, my naive-always-hoping-for-the-better-self – even if all the world will tell me: ‘Honey, it doesn’t work that way.’ Is it so bad that what I am hoping is better – than what the reality is?
Hopeless people can always drag me back to reality but I will still go back – hoping – because that is in my blood – I cannot stop hoping, that all these, will be better in the end, and maybe I’ll die hoping but at least I do not lose that spark in my eye.