And so here I am. After contemplating and battling it out with myself whether I would be a consumer or a creator in this life – I want to rebel. I don’t want to choose. And in so doing I want to be both.
It is a struggle, really. At one point I want to create something, just one thing that would make other people feel what I feel whenever I cross something so wonderful, a light sparks inside of me and suddenly I can’t sit or stand still, I have to do something, I have to create something as magnificent as that, I have to or else I would die – that light that burned so bright in my heart will die and I cannot have that happen.
And so I would start. I would create. But then again – I will see the result, a mockery, a lame echo of what I wanted it to be. And that light in my heart will not only die but will get buried along with other things and I will refuse once again to create. How can I dare to create something grand when I cannot even come out with something as equally decent as what my heroes had offered?
It is a circle – I will consume and when I got to a point when it will drive me mad in doing nothing I will do something, a doodle, a poem, a post, a collage – just something out of thin air but then the results will be mediocre and then refuse to do something and conclude that I will just be a consumer in this world where everyone wants to give a piece of themselves.
But you know what – it might not be a circle. As somewhere I’ve read says (forgive me for not remembering where I got this idea) – maybe I am not going into circles but in spirals – I think I’ve been here before but when time is added into the equation it become spirals – and actually I am not not moving; it is actually moving but only I encounter it again and again on a different level.
So maybe I’ve gone on long enough into living like an echo of what I used to be, a shadow of my former self – of once was blissful spontaneous happenstance but now doomed into repetition of seemingly trivial things. Living like this is like a massive insult to the Creator. Not living life to the fullest, that is.
And so once again I dare myself – because I can not run away from myself once again. I cannot run from being a creative. I must create. I cannot wait around and look for something that I can put all my efforts into. I must do with every little thing I have. And even if it is doomed to failure. I still must – because this is who I am, because this is where I come alive.
*this post was inspired by Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso anime, Gerard Way’s parting words on MCR’s disbandment and Patick Stump’s We Liked You Better Fat: Confessions of a Pariah*