letters to the future

i don’t listen to a band, i listen to an idea

Now playing: Skylines and Turnstiles

September has ended and now here we are in the last quarter of 2019.

I must admit: where I am now is definitely NOT what I thought I’d be when 2019 was just starting out.

Am I disappointed? Well, a bit, but what’s done is done and I cannot go back to that pitchfork earlier this year and choose a different path. The truth is that – I chose the choice that would breed lesser regret – but that didn’t mean that I did not regret. Darn, I regretted that choice so much I wondered why did I even chose it? It’s like choosing one box among others knowing that it might not be worse than what the other boxes are and then I found out they were all the same.

But you know what – I guess – the only good thing in that is – it is now up to me.

I learned that you cannot fully trust people – even the ones who said they’d have your back – they can only do so as long as it will be convenient for them. And I mean this in the most unbitter and most understanding way. (Of course I have friends who’ll always have my back no matter what – but I’m not talking about them here.) I’ll hold myself accountable for my happiness and nobody else.

And now it is up to me to keep afloat in these waves, gigantic or otherwise, not knowing where it will lead me but I, we, have to stay afloat.

Which led me to – a lot of inspirations this September.

One thing led to another. From deleting my Instagram to scrolling to Pinterest and then randomly listening to Fall Out Boy’s sophomore album and that song, Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year with the words reverberating “Are we going up or just going down? It’s just a matter of time before we all found out.” (which I could very much relate to at that point in time) then reading all about them and then to Patrick Stump’s article, “We Liked You Better Fat: Confessions of a Pariah” to suddenly reading about MCR and then reading that poetic goodbye letter written by Gerard Way and then myself suddenly basking in this ‘idea’ – because where else can I go to when everything seems to have fallen apart?

I always go back to music.

And always, it always give me something I needed.

Soon enough I was listening to all four albums of MCR because that ‘idea’ was burning something inside my heart, lighting a fire that was doomed to nonexistence ever since last year. And if you have that one thing that can lit up a spark inside your heart, you cling onto it, grasping, begging for it to stay because you’ll be damned otherwise.

This month was not straightforwardly finding a light and then quickly jumping back again. No. I had two doors closed in front of me. Those things to which I put my hope into  – only to find out that they weren’t really meant for me.

But then a window opened and I climbed onto it. Not knowing what I’ll find but somehow I knew – deep inside my heart – this can be the start of something. I still have to find out if it’ll be wonderful. I still can’t write about it until it’s final but I hope it will continue on. I didn’t know that I am capable of doing those things though. And also – if there is one thing that completely combines everything that I liked to do – that would be it. ❤

What else? Congratulate me for doing yoga for a month now. Whew! It was not for a lack of effort. Though I must admit, maybe I missed a day or two but who cares? It is more than a month of diligently rolling my mat to make time for myself – if that isn’t self-love I don’t know what that is!

But also I realised I can no longer function at functions. It’s like all the confidence that I’ve built over the years of working collapsed all of a sudden. I cannot go back to how I used to be – that version of myself no longer exists now.

So there. I hope this sound better. Or positive. Because that’s what I’m feeling. Even if there’ll be moments when I’m being plunged again into what I’m trying to escape.

I think I found MCR’s music at the right time and it found me in my most vulnerable moments, when I’m doubting myself, my quirks, my abilities and contradictions but somehow every song resonates with me. It makes me feel alive. It made me think that I can still do a lot of things. That there are still beautiful things in the world if you seek it.

Even if your world is messed up, you can fight for brighter days and that it is not worth it to disappear.

That’s it. I guess. It is hard listening to a band that no longer exists, knowing I can never see them play live. But then again, they’re not a band, they’re an idea. An idea that grows on me. Thirteen years since I knew them.

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