Or the generic title: What I learned in 2019.
But as far as titles go – I like long titles so that goes. And also this- 2019 is not my favorite year. Not in the least. I had my lowest point here there never was a year I am more excited to wave off to than this year and I can finally say that the person who welcomed 2019 is not the same person who will wave goodbye to it. I sure had undergone transformation, konmari-ing people and habits in my life and a lot of cutting myself some slack or kept myself from doing the same old shit.
In a way, as the song goes: “Fuck the world ’cause it’s my life, I’m gonna take it back.” And I guess I indeed took my life back. It is the most defining thing of last year – when I kind of died and rose from that.
“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
They said that I should take my time in distancing myself to heal myself and come back but I say, there is no turning back – I cannot be that same person anymore. The me now is the only me, a product of all my past experiences and realisation and of the things that hurt me and made me who I am now. If you don’t like what you’re seeing then I am not forcing you to. Take it or leave it.
So here is the dreaded list, my words will stung but I hope I learned my lesson this time.
Some people will only help you as long as it’s convenient for them, do not take it against them. I know it is kind of negative but this is the lesson I realised when I am at my lowest point. I used to trust blindly when I know that person and when I found out that the one hand I kept on holding on to has let go of me – it took a life out of me. Not because of what that person did but because I understand the circumstance of why he let go. I never should’ve put my trust in that person – because they cannot carry me.
It’s okay to not forgive people and move on. It’s bullshit to force yourself to forgive when you’re still hurting. Again, about trusting people and not trusting them. It is hard to choose who to trust or not but at the end of the day – if they’ve broken that trust, what is there left to do? I just chose to move on and not look back. It gave me tremendous relief when I realised that I can forgive and not go back to the way things used to be. You see, part of why I cannot forgive is because I cannot go back to how we were – knowing that those people hurt me in more ways than they can imagine, I can never fully trust them so how can we go back to how we were before? So yes, part of the reason of why there is no turning back is because everything is broken. Like the spiel of MCR goes in the song Bulletproof Heart: “…But no matter where you come from there’s nothing wrong with running and never looking back so never stop running.” I felt that. Not looking back to things and people that hurts you the most.
Find people who will have your back no matter what. And treasure them. I had this uprooting of people in my life. This year. I guess I had that thought that I don’t need people in my life who doesn’t want to be in it. So I let go. I let go and found out that I only need a few people and they will be enough. Quality over quantity. At some point this year, I got sick of myself to finally think that even I am so sick of myself maybe those people got sick of me too. And I guess I’m proud of what I discovered – some people are supposed to stay in your life for a few pages, when they’re done just let them go.
Work should not be the only thing that makes up your day. Which is technically wrong because when you count it – nine hours a day at work is the majority. But an hour of creating something I dearly love feels more to me rather than nine hours at work doing repetitive tasks that I know I won’t be appreciated. It is all in your perspective. Who says that I should make the work be brilliant? I was there – in fact, I spent the last eight years of my working life work in that ideal – the I should love my work and that my work should make me happy but it backfired. Now you see – I can spend the nine hours feeling like shit and then when I come home to the only place where I can be fully myself I can create things that I love and it will be enough to call it a day. At home of the few people in my life, my family and friends who will not turn their backs to me.
Don’t force yourself to be happy at work. Look outside. One person said this to me in the middle of the year and I didn’t believe her and rejected that idea. I was still a naive idealist at that time thinking that your work should make you happy BUT it was what really messed me up. I kept on thinking that my work should make me happy that I drained it all and still got none and that sorrow seeped into my own personal life that I don’t know where to turn to because everything now doesn’t make sense. So yes, look outside, don’t force an opening – look for windows – it doesn’t have to be the work that would make you happy. Sometimes it’s the things outside, some fleeting moment that it will make the world.
Once you have an opportunity, no matter how small that window is – go for it, you’ve got nothing to lose. Done is better than perfect, they say. If you think you’re still not good enough for that opportunity – just do it. Do your best and if it fails – use that experience to finally be at your best. Done will ultimately be perfect but you have got to do it.
To love yourself is really an underrated statement. I have no words for this except that you have to find that balance between cutting yourself some slack for things that you weren’t able to do or cutting your own bullshit for making excuses in things you weren’t able to do but could have done so. To love yourself is to enjoy the process of becoming better and not just wallowing in self-pity and drinking on teas thinking that if you do this it will make you feel better. And a bit of skincare adds a lot. Put some aloe vera moisturizer on your face and it will do the trick!
Your imagination is an ammunition – once you’ve got an idea, continue building on that momentum. It doesn’t have to be perfect you just have to keep on going. A huge feat for me because I never finish a personal project, let alone make it last for a month. But yes, you have everything in your imagination – at least for me – I don’t know about you. Lol. But yes, use your imagination and let your senses run wild with anticipation on what you’re going to create.
You create your own path – this is why other people’s paths don’t entices you or work for you. A bitter pill to swallow – because I thought that I can follow other people’s path so that I can live their lives – them, who are already living my dreams. But no, things doesn’t work out the same for everybody. So I’ll create my own and see where this will lead me. I can only hope for the best.
Nothings beats being comfortable in your own skin. It is okay to be different from everyone. The most painful thing I felt this year is when people took my being different from them as something that is a disease (or is that too harsh a word?) or my fault and that it’s my fault for being different that they treat me wrongly – which made me doubt myself, that maybe they were right, that my being different from them is something that I should change and improve on and then led me to not only doubt myself but on hating myself – subtly because I didn’t realise I was already hating on myself. They brought up this old ghost of my childhood like why can’t I be the same with everyone? And turned it into self-hate – I know they didn’t mean that but they should have at least a bit of understanding but we can’t all be that. It was so HARD to get back up from that so hard that when I think that I am finally climbing up, there will be one thing that will pull me down farther and I have to double my efforts. But you see – I came out stronger no thanks to those people.
Set a direction and start walking. Start. You’ll get there. I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Unless you want to stay in the same place you’ll never start something. But I do and I want to end up in a different place than where I started so I should move. Baby steps, strides, long jump, normal step and sometimes crawl but move – move – moving is a side-effect of getting sick of staying still.
Celebrate. We all start somewhere. Push yourself to do things you’ve never done before and then pat yourself on the back for having done so. Even if it is just so-so. Or you have failed miserably. Or it turned out great. No matter the outcome just give yourself credit for trying and celebrate. After all it is your life – celebrate and live your life the way you wanted. Don’t ever feel bad about missing your life by enjoying every bit of it.
Recognise the end of something. The one thing that I should have known so that I won’t have landed in that mess in the middle part of the year and landed on the bottomest pit facefirst with no one to help. I made a terrible mistake this year and it cost me a fork in my path and a bucket of tears, regret and mountainful of self-doubt. I should have recognised that that is the end and not force to prolong it. If I recognise that end, it could have been a fond memory to look back to but now it is a thing I got exposed and inside it was nothing. At least I know that it is full of shit. My stubborn self will always choose to know rather than leave it.
Lastly, and very important.
I still have a lot to improve on. I cannot force them to change but I can work on myself to be better and more mature. That is enough. Who they will become is not in any way my responsibility but bettering myself should be my top priority. If I want to make it through this life and if I want to get more out of this life.
And one last bit.
Sorrow comes in waves but so is happiness. Sometimes they come in pairs. We used to think that we just have to be happy all the time and that feeling sad is abnormal. At least until you experienced life experiences that life deemed as valid reasons to be sad. But no – sometimes you can be sad and have a delicious meal. They come in waves – uninvited, unannounced but when they do – it will take a lot of you to cope up. But remember this, they come in waves so they will retreat and then you can own your world again – or better yet deal with that wave – find what feels good. Treat that wave as your infuriating uncles/ aunties over family dinner that you have to undergo every year and then send them off. Don’t call on them until they come.
That’s it. I hope my future self will find this at a moment that she needs it most.
I hope you do too.
letters to the future 