letters to the future

thank you for the venom | 2019 yearend post

So I guess this is it. I’ve finally come to terms with all the things that happened in 2019 and I’m here to finally send it off – in a classic year-end blog post. I’ve made my peace  and I forgave myself for all the insanity that I did and somehow indirectly caused a lot of unpleasant things.

It was not easy, actually. It was not easy to actually feel grateful deep inside about the ton of shits that I had to undergo. I think, everyone (including people I don’t like) – I won’t want them to suffer that terrible feeling that I’ve felt (for most of last year)- that terrible feeling that I am the cause of all my misfortunes and that it was all entirely my fault and that people hurt me because I deserve all that shit.

I kept on thinking that nobody should be made to feel that way and so, I can’t say thank you for all the hurt – until – I guess, until I’ve healed and felt comfortable in talking about it. That’s why it took me a long time to write this (third draft now – I wonder how many drafts will I write until I can post this). And I think it is apt that this year’s  title will be:

Thank you for the venom.

Apt. Sarcastic but it carries all of my emotions for 2019. Thankful but not so grateful with a hint of bitterness and sarcasm but also a dust of emo. It says a lot but it also doesn’t reveal much because I still want some things hidden.

I don’t know where I’m probably going but I guess this has become one of my highlights of this year: listening to my chemical romance. I was in the deepest-darkest pit, the lowest of lows, the under, the no-one-can-help-me-because-I-was-so-toxic-I-don’t-want-to-infect-other-people-with-my-toxicity, the only thing that kept me from breaking is the sheer will that I don’t want to cause any more hurt if I disappear suddenly. (At least, to the people who love me)

When you were at your lowest, they say the only thing you can go is up. The problem is, you don’t really know if you are already at your lowest. I kept on thinking I am already at my lowest but then something will hit me and I will again fall further. And again. And again. And again. Proceeding. Uninvited. Until I don’t care anymore. Until I began to anticipate every bad thing that will happen. Until I’ll be surprised if there will be no more attacks. Until I wonder why do people still knocks me out, can’t they see I am already knocked out and I have no power left in me? Can’t these things leave me alone?

I guess that’s how I found my way into MCR. I kid you not. I was at my breaking point and the only thing that kept me going is when I listened to The Black Parade. I guess not that at first, but the Sophomore Slump song of FOB with the words, “Are we going up, or just going down? It’s just a matter of time before we’re all found out.” – which I can really relate to because at that point in time I am wondering if I will go up (and prove to them unwilling souls that I am a great person contrary to what they make me feel) or down (and me finding out that they were right all along: that I am not that great).

One thing led to another and then I finally pushed the play button on the first track of The Black Parade and everything comes crashing down – all these feelings, all the incorrect decisions I’ve made, all the hurt but it didn’t made a mess of me – they were all there surrounding me, comforting me and reminding me that it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s entirely okay to make a blunder of myself and that even if nothing works out right, I’ll be fine as long as I believe in myself.

And I guess that’s really my biggest learning from last year.

To love yourself even if you are different from everybody. The main thing that sucked was hearing from people you trusted that they can’t deal with you freely because you think differently- as if thinking differently warrants people tiptoeing around you when all I ever did was being honest – being brutally honest – that even they became afraid of my authenticity. (Are they afraid of their own authenticity?) I don’t know why that hit HARD – harder than I thought it would – because the previous me will just shake it off. But that version of me, became very transparent and honest – to the point of vulnerability (that I don’t even realise) – because I thought finally, I can be in a place where I can be unapologetically myself. I was (after so many years) comfortable in my own skin, I was at home – or so I thought.

It was as if my beliefs were built in sand and then the waves came and swept it all away. Nothing remained. Two things: (1) I thought I was finally in a place where I can be myself; and (2) I thought I can be myself but I realised I can only be myself at that place if people accepted me. And the truth hit hard because they don’t want me to be me – they just want me to be their idea of me and when I treaded outside that idea, I became uncontrollable (for them, I guess), I was unaccepted. It was as if my being different was a disease they don’t want to be inflicted with, that rejection was a bitter pill to swallow, but that also was the main reason I began doubting myself real hard.

I was already in a place where I am doubting myself, with all of these artistic interests around me and I can’t seem to find anything I create acceptable in my standards. For most of the creatives they call it “the gap”. And then that rejection (from work- maybe it’s safe to finally say it here – after all no one, I guess, will read this?) was the final nail to the coffin of my self-appreciation. It finally died.

Maybe that’s all I needed to happen, right?

“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.” – Gerard Way

I absolutely love this quote because it summarises everything that happened last year. I can’t say I am not at fault. I made mistakes every step of the way but the world should not have been so cruel about it but it did and that’s why it became so messed up.

I didn’t know how I came out of that hole. I stripped off every part of me that I didn’t like, that didn’t worked at all, every bit that I find unusable or things that I know will backfire. You don’t realise it at first, but changing to become a better person is really the grandest act of self-love because you are not allowing your future self to undergo the same old bullshit- you change to become better so that you’ll never deal with what broke you before.

I also stripped off bad habits. And people. That’s how suffering reveals who you are and who are the people around you. A lot of people I thought will be there in my suffering left me. As if I was a poison to their own perfect little world. I can’t blame them though (maybe a bit), I became so tired of myself I had to figuratively die in order to save myself so what option do they have, really, other than to let me go? But there were people who stayed by my side and I took a mental note of them. They were the ones I can count on – even if I was crazy and did a lot of mess – they were still there. I can be thankful, right? The situation revealed the people and that’s when I knew who to keep. They believed in me in my worst even if I don’t and that’s why I’ll be keeping them. The only mistake I did is letting a lot of people inside my life and giving them the power to hurt me. But not now.

“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

That’s how I found myself here. Maybe that’s how the situations, people and circumstances played out so I can finally bury my old self and renew, because it is not working anymore. That’s also how I realise I should recognise when something is about to end. I should not try to prolong it. I should just leave it and move on.

Now that I got that out of the way, here’s some things I ought to remember from last year:

*The family trip in Tokyo – my dream trip for our family to go into Japan materialised last year and even if there were a lot of arguments among us sisters, the best times are still with your family. Nothing beats that.

*When my camera was lost and found in Taichung (miracle no. 2). How messed up my faith in humanity can be if I thought that I will never found it back?

*When MCR got back together after almost seven years. And I got to livestream their Return in LA by December. It was weird how only in 2019 did I really listen to their entire discography and found myself finding a band that really resonates with what I am going through and then lamenting the fact that they are no longer existing. And then cut to me – screaming internally – on that morning of November 2 – that they had, indeed, came back. It was as if all the stars aligned and suddenly I was ecstatic. Who knew they will ever come back when all the evidences and circumstances says otherwise? It was a miracle upon itself and was it really meant to be that I get to share that joy with a million other MCRmy around the globe?

*Friends I can count to the most. That one time I came home from work and felt like I was all alone in this world even if I’m surrounded by people and yet this friend halfway across the globe reached out to me and made me feel not alone. That one other friend who will always always be in my side and encountered the same bitter taste of circumstances. And then that other friend who asked me if I was okay about that dreaded thing, earnestly and with no judgement – when everyone was afraid to ask. Some are only honorable mentions but I didn’t write here to rank my friends – I love them – those who proved to be true – I love them but really these instances were really so valuable I want to write them and remember it in the future.

*That super chill but super amazing yearend trip that was made of all the things that you know will work out even if circumstances are against it.

*The kawaii journaling community that gives me positive vibes throughout the year.

A lot of other things happened – that I’ll not be able to write here but allow me to say this:

2019 might be the roughest year I have to undergo (aside from 2008) but I will not have taken steps to bury my old self if those things didn’t happen. I know some parts of it were entirely of my own doing and how people react is not in my control but I still am hurt.

They say you should be grateful for the people who hurt you because if not for them you will not be strong. But I call on bullshit. People should not make that as an excuse to hurt other people. You should be grateful for your own power to rise up even in the direst of circumstances because that’s the only way you can be better. Pat yourself on the back for doing a good job, or an okay job in dealing with difficult circumstances. Give yourself more credit.

I am now ready to see what will happen in 2020 and certain that I will rise again from the ashes if the circumstances will call for it but until then I am okay, I am doing fine. I will be my own hopeful, idealistic, dreamer self and I hope in the future I can send out positivity and inspiration to people like my old self. Let’s all be kinder.

P.S. Just now that I am finishing, Thank You for the Venom is playing. ^_^

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